My Vagina. Warning: Contains adult product and intimate circumstances

By Larry Taft as told to John Hughes

Through the April 1979 problem of National Lampoon

Warning: Contains adult product and situations that are sexual. Perhaps perhaps perhaps Not right for minors. This will be work of fiction. All figures portrayed have reached minimum 18 years old.

( Simply Simply Click on Picture for Larger variation)

One early early morning final cold temperatures, um, we woke up and, well, I became asleep after which we woke up, and the thing I discovered was, um, well, we woke up, and there it had been, and my. exactly just exactly what must have been there clearly wasn’t and the thing that was there is. it absolutely was. a vagina. After all, I happened to be an eighteen-year-old man with a field! We had a damn unsightly, hairy female’s privates and it also ended up being gross and sickening, and I also had been therefore pissed down i desired to punch it appropriate when you look at the face!

Once I decided to go to sleep I experienced a normal man’s cock and peanuts and pubic locks. Nevertheless when we woke up and seemed inside my pajamas, all of that material had been gone and rather I experienced this. vagina and extremely little locks down there and a butt which was red and bald. It abthereforelutely was so disgusting I’m amazed We did not simply march downstairs and go call at the storage and perhaps perhaps not pull within the home and begin my mother’s section wagon and perish. just How may I be a man whenever a twat was had by me? after all, that which was we? Where had been my “dick”? Where had been my balls? Why did all this happen?

We thought about this a great deal and I also think what perhaps took place ended up being I attempted to obtain high from the fuel that is said to be in the will of whipped cream and I also ended up being additionally smoking lots of Kools, and I also eat real shitty and We constantly sit too near the television and We never read with good light and I. well, like lots of dudes my age I. do lots of. “self-jacking off.” It absolutely was either that or Jesus achieved it.

But anyhow, here I became by having a vagina. Oh, in addition, it is not courteous to state this and I also’m maybe maybe perhaps not being conceited, however the cock I utilized to possess ended up being a pretty good one. It had beenn’t therefore big like compared to some guy who had been during my gymnasium course 2 yrs ago (Jim S.), and it also don’t bend up to one part with regards to was at a “hard-on. it was gross plus it was not therefore small it was a laugh, plus it did not have moles or spots onto it” My balls had been OKAY, too, and my locks was decent and my tail had been normal, and I had been overall happy with that material and I ended up being super-sorry to view it gone, actually.

So, like, there I became, you realize, from the side of the bed looking down into my lap, and as opposed to seeing this thing i recently saw this shitty small wad of locks. I mightn’t precisely state We cried, but i am going to acknowledge that We felt so incredibly bad that my eyes got actually runny, and felt unfortunate because, you realize, I became All-Conference in three activities and I also desired to sooner or later obtain a soccer scholarship to Michigan State or USC, and I also had simply purchased a motorcycle (Kawasaki) and an innovative new stereo (with Bose speakers, MAC amp, and Nakamichi deck), and I also had started initially to shave, and all sorts of my friends had been buddies because I happened to be some guy, and whom the fuck but a woman would ever desire to be a lady except a homo and I also have always been not just a homo! that is a reality. Also I was not a queer though I had a pussy! We hate that and I also hated after that it and I also will hate all of it of my entire life, and I also seemed up “homosexuality” within the dictionary as well as in a number of other publications, and having a vagina does not move you to a homosexual. Liking dudes allows you to a homosexual, you need to like them a great deal you(and that is a requirement), and I didn’t so I wasn’t a homo, I swear to God that they are like girls to.